Dear White Noise,
I can hear you. You are as annoying as you are relevant and as loud as you are prevalent. I can't ignore you forever, but believe me I have tried. I love being on my own; it gives me time to reflect, get things done, and just be with myself for a while. But boy do I hate feeling lonely. I know I'm not totally alone though, I have friends at home but the adjustment to being away from school is taxing on both my mental and physical health. I went from being able to walk to my friends' places to being forced to drive everywhere. Long Island is beautiful in the summer but it's so boring. If you're not a beach person or rich you're basically screwed. I get cabin fever from going outside.
I must say, you have taught me a lot about myself. You made me come to terms with things that I would have blindly accepted if I wasn't on my own all the time. I realized I should do more to better my mental health, so thank you for all the times you've made me curl up in bed and cry. I realized I need to let go of some people in my life in order to be happy, and that sucked at first. I got tired of thinking "maybe it'll be different this time" and here we are, four months since we last spoke and still in the same place we were when I last let them go. I'm not wasting time reaching out because I know I'll just be disappointed. So thank you, White Noise, you've allowed me to move on.
It's 5:30 in the morning, and I've woken up about an hour ago because my body decided I've had enough sleep. Truth is, I may have gotten a full seven hours, but I don't feel well rested at all. That's all I want: to wake up in the morning and actually feel motivated to get out of bed and do things. I constantly feel like I'm walking through a fog; slowly making moves and trying my best but something is blocking me. I feel overpowered by this fog, and while I can see and feel the sunshine, I still have a long way to go before I get there.
Tell me, White Noise, why do you keep me up at night? Why do you insist on haunting and taunting me until I drive myself to madness, wondering if there's a way out? What if the only way out is to keep walking down the block until I reach the water, and even then I can't get away because I don't have a boat and I also hate the ocean? What if I'm supposed to feel you with every bone in my body until I become numb? Because of you I'm bad at keeping in touch because I feel like no one really cares about me. I feel there's no point in reaching out.
In the end, no matter how much pain you cause me, I'll never forget how you comforted me when I needed someone.